Complete Contentment

Its been awhile since I've been on here and not because I don't want or need to, but starting a new job and life in general, I haven't had the chance.  

Let's see where to start, the new job is good!   I have been blessed with a good job and there are so many other people out there who is looking for employment.  We decided we would give the fertility drugs another try.  We done three rounds of Clomid without my numbers not budging. In August, the MD changed the meds to Femera and my numbers went off the charts, but still didn't have any success.  So we decided to give it a break for a while because it was really messing with mind and making me very depressed.  Also in August we stepped out on faith into a different boat.   But we steered to quickly and took on more responsibility than what we could handle.  Everything happens for a reason and every person no matter how small or young can  serve a purpose. I already know the purpose and that was to get my mind off trying so hard to "replace" what was lost.  Looking back it made us realize that the secret to true happiness is believing and knowing you already have it all. We got caught up in trying to change the situation that we lost site in who was in control.  God has always and will continue to bless us.  We have a happy marriage, a beautiful, healthy, smart son already and we have a perfect angel in heaven waiting for us.  What more could I ask for?   So if its not in Gods plan for us to have more children, then its not our plan and I have just accepted that.  For the first time in almost a year, I feel complete contentment!  And just because I am content with doesn't mean that I don't desire more, it just means that I am HOPING and praying for what my future is holding!  While I am doing that God already has it in the palm of his hand.  

Exactly Where I Am Suppose to Be!!

This entry is a little different than what I am accustomed to doing so do not be alarmed!  Over the past 15 months, I have been in the process of finishing up my Global Career Development Facilitator training.  This certificate basically helps me brand myself as a Career Expert, or so they say.  When it comes to job searching, resumes, mock interviewing and pretty much anything that deals with trying to get a job, I am the expert and well honestly I am pretty passionate about it!  Finding a job is extremely hard, tiresome and  time consuming.  So why not have someone to help you along the way!!

It is true that I possess my Bachelors of Arts in History and Sociology.  But what in world does that mean?  It means that it is pretty much useless.  Tell that to the 18 year old, me, who knew it all back then and wanted to do something they loved, never considering what I would actually do with that in the future!  I never had a straight path, I played with the idea of being a lawyer but really never vested in it.  I never once in my whole life took a Career Assessment so I really didn't know what I was good at.  In the past 15 months though I got to do true career advising on myself!  It has been a real eye opener!  I feel like the first time in my LIFE I actually know what I want to do when I grow up!  HA HA!    I LOVE the work that I do, I LOVE helping people better themselves.  I LOVE it when someone tells me that they finally found the job they wanted. 

So over the past few months I actually set goals for myself based on my results!  About 3 months ago, I made the decision that while I love the actual work that I do wanted something a little different.  I decided  I REALLY wanted to work in the Post Secondary field.  So what did I do?   I started aggressively looking for Post Secondary work in Workforce Development or Career Development.   I applied a lot of places and finally got a call back from National College and after the interview process I am now the Career Center Director!  (Big title right?)  I am so excited! 

This change though is incredibly bittersweet because I leave behind a host of co-workers that have become my second family who I have shared my thoughts, dreams and so much more with.  They have been there for me through the good times and the bad!  I will always look back at each of them with affection!  I had to reinvent myself to be successful at this job.  I went from the shy girl who didn't like public speaking to the lady who would rather speak in front of people than anything!  And for that I will always be grateful!

The point of all this is it's ok not to have a clear, cut goal in mind because sometimes God puts where he needs you not where we want to be sometimes!    

Cleaning Clutter

I am so happy that the sun is shining and spring has FINALLY sprung.  I know when I think about spring, I focus on the renewing of life and how after the harsh winter everything becomes new again.  So hopefully after our harsh winter, our lives can be renewed too!  
Along with spring though comes the thoughts of "Spring cleaning."  Oh how I hate it.  We have this rule in our home that when you get something new we have to get rid of something old. However; the drawers are full of papers, bills and notes and of course toy boxes overflow.  Needless to say I hate clutter! It takes away from productivity and creates more stress.  Yet every year we are always "spring cleaning." Clutter spills over in all aspects of life our mental, physical and spiritual lives.  I know for myself the winter months brought sadness and depression.  I have cluttered my brain with whys, guilt's and regrets.  Physically  words can not be used because you can  see how much "clutter" is there!!  And well spiritually  I believe that our mental and spiritual clutter go hand in hand.  So...I am challenging  myself  to clean up my clutter in my life.  It just takes up space and leaves less room for the important stuff like God and what makes me happy.  If your reading this I challenge you to do the same and maybe we won't have so much clutter to clean up next spring.
Now its time to start cleaning my clutter!  I HOPE you have a wonderful and blessed day.  Peace be with you!     

100 Reasons to be Thankful

My church as a group has been reading The Story by Max Lucado.  It is this awesome book that has been our guide for the preachers sermons and I highly recommend it.  It's an easy read and helps the stories from the Bible come to life.  Last Sunday, we got to the story of the Israelite's wandering in the desert.  My wonderful friend/preacher done a wonderful job teaching about the complaining and whining that went on in the desert but yet God provided for them every step of the way.  It felt like he was preaching right at me.  I never felt so ashamed of myself.  I had a hard week because I am putting time constraints on myself and more importantly God.  I have been feeling like I should already be pregnant by now and if I don't get pregnant ASAP then my "window" of fertility will be closed.  Yet I KNOW that all things are possible through God and I have to remind myself sometimes hourly that our time and understanding is far less than God's.   God will provide for all my needs and wants.  So instead of worrying about when will it happen, I need to re-examine what he has already provided for me.  Shane, my preacher, challenged us to sit down and actually write 100 things that we are thankful for.  I won't put them all but the ones that are the most important:

1.  I am thankful for a God that loves ME.  He has provided me more than I ever deserve.  A God that sent his ONLY son to save us, so we get to spend eternity  with him.  I am thankful he also does things just for me like wipes my tears and mends my broken heart.  He is there to hold my hand during the storms of life. 

2.  God answered my prayer and sent me a husband that loves me unconditionally, at my worse, in sickness and in health, richer or poorer.  

3.  I prayed for a child and God sent me an angel straight from heaven.  My son is the joy of my life.  He makes me strive to be a better person.  He is healthy, vibrant and smart.

4.  God chose us to be parents to a real angel, Cate.  We may not be there to give her hugs and kisses now but I can not imagine all the things she gets to see and for that I am thankful. 

5.  God gave me extraordinary parents that have always been there for me and now just not me but my own family.

6.  God gave me a brother, so I won't be alone in the world.

7.  Then he gave me a sister.  A sister whose not only my sister but my best friend. 

8.  He provided me a fun, loud extended family that showed me some of the best of times.

9.  He provided me another LARGE group of in-laws that are fun and diverse.

10. He has given us friends that stood with us on the hill on that rainy day and who has been there for us through every tear.

How true is this statement?  Things could be worse.  And yes they could be... but God always provides a way and never leaves us.  Just like with the Israelite's he will be our pillar of fire at night to lead us in the direction to his promises we just have TRUST!

So What's Next?

     I have been kind of quiet recently and haven't had much to write about.  Our life is slowly but surely going back to "normal" even though our " new normal" is different kind of normal.  Cate's due date came and I wasn't near as anxious as I thought I would be.  That morning I opened up my Bible and the verse that I turned it to was Luke 8:52 "Stop wailing, she's not dead, she's just asleep" that pretty much comforted me throughout the day.  She lives in me everyday in my heart and not a day goes by that I do not think about her.  I just picture her running ahead of me, beating me at the race to get there.
     The healing will always be part of our life, it is hourly.  The healing can only come from above.  The pain will never truly go away but it has eased a little with time. The question that still remains.... what's next?  Like I have said we may have a plan but ours may be different than God's. God has a plan and we are eager to see what that plan and journey may lead us.  Being human we still have to be a player in it too.  We have gotten all the blood work back from that night and everything came back perfectly except one that was just a tad high but nothing to be alarmed over.  Everything just points to a fluke!  I see it as being part of God's plan.  I was released quickly after delivery and the OB that delivered her said we could start ASAP, so with that being said we haven't stopped trying.  Suffering with PCOS though can make what is perceived easy, a little harder.  However; when I got pregnant with Cate I lost about 20 lbs and got pregnant pretty easy but I had taken Metformin during that time too.  I am not for sure if taking meds is the route that we will seek this time. So this time I am TRYING really hard at watching what I eat and exercising.  Yes I said exercising!  I signed up to TRY to run my first 5K in June.  It's a work in progress.  But its also great stress reliever and I can tell if I skip it a couple of days then I feel myself getting into that depressed mood.  As of last week, I was up to running 3 mins straight and my son has now started running with me too.  Like I said its a work in progress!
         Ultimately though it still may not be in God's plan to have more children of our own.  Sooo we signed up to take the foster to adopt classes through the state.  The first meeting is tonight and needless to say I am a little anxious about it, but we can only try.  We keep getting the question "what will we do if they decide to take them back?'  Well I am not for sure actually, but we do know how it feels to lose a child of our own and that pain is unimaginable to someone who hasn't went through it.  But what greater joy would it be to  make a difference in someone's life and be the HOPE that child is looking for? We may not be the co-creator of that soul but what if we helped a soul find its creator when it might not ever have that opportunity?  That my friends is what gives us all HOPE!
         Wow, maybe I did have a lot to say!  Peace be with you all.

Laura Story - Blessings

Hope Now by Addison Road

Josh Wilson - Before The Morning (Official Music Video)

My Lunch Date with God and Cate

I am not going to lie the past couple of days have been unbearable.  I've felt as if I was drowning in grief.  I know that its not my time and that I have to let go but it still doesn't make it any better.  With the holidays I was easily distracted.   I knew the next couple of weeks would test my faith and HOPE.  Her due date is coming up and the friends I shared pregnancy with would soon be bringing their babies home while mine is already home in heaven.  Today was the worse though.  I could not make it through work and had to leave early but someone was urging me to go visit her gravesite.  I hadn't been there in awhile and I guess this was my hint to go.  So I stopped picked up lunch, roses,a balloon, my fleece blanket and my Bible and went and had lunch with my daughter. I wanted to go  just to feel close to her even though I know shes not there.  But I ended up having a one-sided converstation with God and pretty much cried for 2 1/2 hours (time flies when I am up there) and just when I thought I couldn't be consoled my awesome, wonderful Counselor showed me differently.  I was reading the story of Solomon asking God for wisdom and God not only blessed him with wisdom but the all the things he hadn't asked just because he didn't ask for wealth or defeating his enemies after I was finished I just laid my my Bible on the blanket and was just still staring into the heavens.  I was praying so hard and with all my hearts desire for him to lead me on HIS path.   I felt the cool wind pick up alittle and I heard the pages of the Bible blowing in the wind.  It was a beautiful, serene site.     I sat in amazement when I looked down and the wind had blown the pages to a highlighted part of my Bible:  Jeremiah 29:11   For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.  WOW!   There is no other Counselor that can give you that much HOPE. 
I guess all I needed was just to be still and know that God is who he says he is and that he always remains the same in the good and most importantly in the bad.  I need to start having more lunchdates with him and only him.  Why won't you join me and spend time with just him?

P.S. I don't do this often, actually not at all but if you don't care please send an extra prayer up for me, so that I may gain the wisdom to be able to trust in God's will and see what he sees.  Thank you with all my love and HOPE.

I Can't Go Any Further!

     For the past nine weeks the one thing I have desperately wanted was to be able to see Cate in my dreams.  I wanted to know, since she gained her angel wings, what did she look like?  In heaven was she a baby or was she a child?  What color of hair does she have?  What color are her eyes?  I've prayed for this but it has eluded me for weeks now but I also know that God would answer my prayer in his time, so finally this morning,  I woke up at 4:20 (yes, I looked at the clock) finally remembering a vivid dream.  In my dream, I was at my Mamaw Hall's house ( mamaw died a few days before my son was born 6 years ago) and I haven't been to her house since then.   In my dream my mamaw said "do you remember me" of course I remember you, I told her, she said "I was afraid you had forgotten about me, so come over here and give me a hug."  My mamaw was little but in my dream she was standing so tall and her hair was just perfect!  My mamaw said "do you know who this is" and I said yes and just fell to my knees.  It was Cate!  She was about the size of my six year old but was smaller,with small features, she has blonde/ashy hair, with two different color eyes, one blue and one gray and she was perfect! We just kept hugging and I didn't want to let go but she pulled away and said "mommy you have to let me go, its ok but you can't go any further it's not your time".  They also had two other children with them but I didn't know them and it didn't feel like they were mine so I really don't know how to process that, I don't know if they were the children I have lost already or if they are my future children, I just don't know.  Its just a dream I know but sometimes dreams can be the best medicine.  Because today and it might just be today I feel like I don't have an elephant standing on my chest and full of my favorite word HOPE.  So for now and how hard it is going to be, I am going to TRY to let go because I can't go any further, its not my time!

  Also to all who read this Merry Christmas from my family to yours!  Hold your family tight and just enjoy the sights, sounds and smells of Christmas!  Merry Christmas!

Our HOPE and FUTURE

I have been trying sooo hard to find the words to even comprehend what went on at Sandy Hook Elementary School but there is just silence.  I keep looking at my 6 year old and his classmates and think about those precious angels.  Everyone is saying that we should put God back in schools and I agree; however; God never left, we  left him.  God is awesome and compassionate and I believe forgives  rather easy and daily, so why don't others wake up and see this?  I don't have the answer for that but have this Bible verse memorized:  Joshua 24:15  "As for ME and MY house WE will serve the Lord" and they can't and won't take that from US.    God is our HOPE and our FUTURE and without him we have neither.    I don't know a lot of things but those precious little children are in a place where evil does not exist and God was welcoming them with open arms.  Even in our wildest imagination we could not paint a better picture than that.   It makes me smile and warms my heart to know that my little Cate and all of God's heaven children were there welcoming them into everlasting happiness. We have solutions of our own on how to solve problems but our problem as already been solved long before the beginning of time, we just have to wake up and realize it! 

Always a Melody

      I am not a singer, musician or artist.  But I always have a melody or song in my head.  I found this song on www.stillbirthday.com and its just perfect!  

Selah:  I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but i'm not
Truth is i'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
i've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One who's chosen Me
To carry you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLuaGiu73jc&lr=1&feature=mhee

Give Up, Give In, Or Give it All You Got!

You only have three choices in life, give up, give in, or give it all you got.   I think the thing that really bothers me the most is well I am a control freak.  I like to control everything and if I can't.... I get pretty upset and struggle to try to gain the control back.  I try to control my own calendar and events.  A month ago, I was trying to hard to make my own plans.  I had been planning a nursery since what felt like conception.  We were planning on remodeling our home so we would have room for Cate.   I had planned what I thought was a beautiful baby shower.  BUT like Proverbs 19:21 states:  You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail.   Like many of us mother's,  Mary would have never wanted to give birth to her precious son in a stable or put him in a manager to sleep but she said yes to God's plans. While I struggle with being afraid of just giving in, I pray that God can show me how to be more like Mary and say yes to his will.  So while the holiday season is upon us and we are busy making OUR plans....my advice would be write them in pencil because our plans can and will be erased and replaced with Gods, but there is HOPE that God's will never be erased!    

It Will Be OK

It's been a month today that my angel gained her wings. It's hard to believe how fast time has passed.  My life has changed so much in a month and it feels like I have a new life and honestly I do.  I am trying to live of course more HOPEful and less fearful.   It is so very hard to live that way but ultimately God is in control.    But   I want you to remember my baby with me.  God blessed me with the role of mother and that I did,  give birth to not only one baby but two babies.  When you mention Cate, it is healing.  If I cry, if I smile, however I respond it is healing. When you talk to me about Cate, you are giving me something back. I am heartbroken and forever changed because I am missing out on so many things with my  angel but now she's is in a much better place and wouldn't want to come back. One thing my mom said that I will never forget is "while you may be upset now and you won't get to experience earthly things with her now, eternity is a much longer time than earthly time."  I am thankful for the life of my child, however brief and now she lives eternal with God.     I am humbly grateful for the things I have learned through this experience.  Today while trying to remain hopeful its hard.  I never prayed, dreamed, wished that the circumstances are what they are now but they are and I have no other choice.  But what if we did live our life without fears and worries?  What if we honestly knew that everything was going to be ok, whether for the good or the bad?  Could you imagine how much better our lives would be? So today by helping me honor God and my Cate, live without a worry and know that everything WILL be ok!

It's All in How We See Things!

There are angels all around us, sometimes you just have open up her eyes and see.   It can be co-workers who bring you food when you have lost a love one, or co-workers who take up money help with expenses,  church members who send you flowers, food and cook dinner for love ones after a funeral... or someone who simply offers up a prayer for you.  It could also be a random act of kindness that someone gives to you, but rest assured they are there.  
Or all it could take is a second look at something to see something extraordinary, heavenly angels who are among us looking over us.  I'm not one to try to find Jesus face on a piece of toast but I will admit that its all in how you look at something.    This leads me into this picture I am posting, I had looked over this picture on my camera time after time but never really looked at it.  When trying to delete it,something stopped me to make me take a closer look...like I said its all in how you see things, so if you don't see what I see that's fine because like I said before I see things through a lens of HOPE. So maybe if your loss your HOPE, you might just have to open your eyes just little more to see that its all around you!  

If you need HOPE, faith, love...he will be there!

There's Always, Always, Always Something to Be Thankful For

Losing a child can test your faith and HOPE in God.  It can make you wonder,  why me?  It can make you wonder, why God would bless you with a child and then take it away.  But the truth is God knew my daughter before she was ever conceived.  He knew how long she would live before he ever blessed me to feel her move or see her heart beating.  I KNOW that she is one of heaven's children, most people spend a whole life time trying to reach heaven but Cate gets to grow up in the arms of God and Jesus and who better than to watch over  her until we get there.  And for that I am very thankful!
I am also thankful that God chose me to be her mother because sometimes he makes us go through hard times and valleys so that we can realize how blessed we truly are.  That dreadful Friday night he could have chosen to take my life and spared Cate's but he didn't because he knew that we together had to raise our wonderful son, for this I am thankful.

 So whenever  you lose HOPE and don't know where to turn, know there is always, always, always something to be thankful for!  God gave you this life because YOU are strong enough to live it, even through the hard times.  And once you choose HOPE anything and everything is possible.

Catheryn Hope...The Most Perfect Name

Where to start?  This is my first attempt at blogging so bear with me.  I will probably ramble and babble from time to time but right now my mind isn't running on all cylinders and feel like I have a case of ADHD.  Growing up, I have always used writing as a tool for dealing with everyday life.  I haven't done it in a VERY long time so why not now with the biggest life changing event in my life, dealing with the loss of a child. I promised my little girl that I would show great honor to her most perfect name.  We had her named picked out even before we knew she was a girl.  Catheryn, because that's my husband's grandmother's name who pretty much saved his life when he was 15 years old and Hope because we never gave up HOPE that we would have another child.    I promised her that if I could show HOPE to just one person then I would make her proud and that's what I am determined to do because I never break a promise.
I have always heard the saying that your life changes when someone dies, yet the others around you go on and now I know how true that really is.  My life does go on by the grace of God and my life has changed.  I now see it out of a different lens, I see  HOPE through everything.  I may never know what God's plan is and it may one that he can only see but I trust and have faith that he can and will do great things through me, because I have HOPE that he will.