So What's Next?

     I have been kind of quiet recently and haven't had much to write about.  Our life is slowly but surely going back to "normal" even though our " new normal" is different kind of normal.  Cate's due date came and I wasn't near as anxious as I thought I would be.  That morning I opened up my Bible and the verse that I turned it to was Luke 8:52 "Stop wailing, she's not dead, she's just asleep" that pretty much comforted me throughout the day.  She lives in me everyday in my heart and not a day goes by that I do not think about her.  I just picture her running ahead of me, beating me at the race to get there.
     The healing will always be part of our life, it is hourly.  The healing can only come from above.  The pain will never truly go away but it has eased a little with time. The question that still remains.... what's next?  Like I have said we may have a plan but ours may be different than God's. God has a plan and we are eager to see what that plan and journey may lead us.  Being human we still have to be a player in it too.  We have gotten all the blood work back from that night and everything came back perfectly except one that was just a tad high but nothing to be alarmed over.  Everything just points to a fluke!  I see it as being part of God's plan.  I was released quickly after delivery and the OB that delivered her said we could start ASAP, so with that being said we haven't stopped trying.  Suffering with PCOS though can make what is perceived easy, a little harder.  However; when I got pregnant with Cate I lost about 20 lbs and got pregnant pretty easy but I had taken Metformin during that time too.  I am not for sure if taking meds is the route that we will seek this time. So this time I am TRYING really hard at watching what I eat and exercising.  Yes I said exercising!  I signed up to TRY to run my first 5K in June.  It's a work in progress.  But its also great stress reliever and I can tell if I skip it a couple of days then I feel myself getting into that depressed mood.  As of last week, I was up to running 3 mins straight and my son has now started running with me too.  Like I said its a work in progress!
         Ultimately though it still may not be in God's plan to have more children of our own.  Sooo we signed up to take the foster to adopt classes through the state.  The first meeting is tonight and needless to say I am a little anxious about it, but we can only try.  We keep getting the question "what will we do if they decide to take them back?'  Well I am not for sure actually, but we do know how it feels to lose a child of our own and that pain is unimaginable to someone who hasn't went through it.  But what greater joy would it be to  make a difference in someone's life and be the HOPE that child is looking for? We may not be the co-creator of that soul but what if we helped a soul find its creator when it might not ever have that opportunity?  That my friends is what gives us all HOPE!
         Wow, maybe I did have a lot to say!  Peace be with you all.

Laura Story - Blessings

Hope Now by Addison Road

Josh Wilson - Before The Morning (Official Music Video)

My Lunch Date with God and Cate

I am not going to lie the past couple of days have been unbearable.  I've felt as if I was drowning in grief.  I know that its not my time and that I have to let go but it still doesn't make it any better.  With the holidays I was easily distracted.   I knew the next couple of weeks would test my faith and HOPE.  Her due date is coming up and the friends I shared pregnancy with would soon be bringing their babies home while mine is already home in heaven.  Today was the worse though.  I could not make it through work and had to leave early but someone was urging me to go visit her gravesite.  I hadn't been there in awhile and I guess this was my hint to go.  So I stopped picked up lunch, roses,a balloon, my fleece blanket and my Bible and went and had lunch with my daughter. I wanted to go  just to feel close to her even though I know shes not there.  But I ended up having a one-sided converstation with God and pretty much cried for 2 1/2 hours (time flies when I am up there) and just when I thought I couldn't be consoled my awesome, wonderful Counselor showed me differently.  I was reading the story of Solomon asking God for wisdom and God not only blessed him with wisdom but the all the things he hadn't asked just because he didn't ask for wealth or defeating his enemies after I was finished I just laid my my Bible on the blanket and was just still staring into the heavens.  I was praying so hard and with all my hearts desire for him to lead me on HIS path.   I felt the cool wind pick up alittle and I heard the pages of the Bible blowing in the wind.  It was a beautiful, serene site.     I sat in amazement when I looked down and the wind had blown the pages to a highlighted part of my Bible:  Jeremiah 29:11   For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.  WOW!   There is no other Counselor that can give you that much HOPE. 
I guess all I needed was just to be still and know that God is who he says he is and that he always remains the same in the good and most importantly in the bad.  I need to start having more lunchdates with him and only him.  Why won't you join me and spend time with just him?

P.S. I don't do this often, actually not at all but if you don't care please send an extra prayer up for me, so that I may gain the wisdom to be able to trust in God's will and see what he sees.  Thank you with all my love and HOPE.