Complete Contentment

Its been awhile since I've been on here and not because I don't want or need to, but starting a new job and life in general, I haven't had the chance.  

Let's see where to start, the new job is good!   I have been blessed with a good job and there are so many other people out there who is looking for employment.  We decided we would give the fertility drugs another try.  We done three rounds of Clomid without my numbers not budging. In August, the MD changed the meds to Femera and my numbers went off the charts, but still didn't have any success.  So we decided to give it a break for a while because it was really messing with mind and making me very depressed.  Also in August we stepped out on faith into a different boat.   But we steered to quickly and took on more responsibility than what we could handle.  Everything happens for a reason and every person no matter how small or young can  serve a purpose. I already know the purpose and that was to get my mind off trying so hard to "replace" what was lost.  Looking back it made us realize that the secret to true happiness is believing and knowing you already have it all. We got caught up in trying to change the situation that we lost site in who was in control.  God has always and will continue to bless us.  We have a happy marriage, a beautiful, healthy, smart son already and we have a perfect angel in heaven waiting for us.  What more could I ask for?   So if its not in Gods plan for us to have more children, then its not our plan and I have just accepted that.  For the first time in almost a year, I feel complete contentment!  And just because I am content with doesn't mean that I don't desire more, it just means that I am HOPING and praying for what my future is holding!  While I am doing that God already has it in the palm of his hand.  

Exactly Where I Am Suppose to Be!!

This entry is a little different than what I am accustomed to doing so do not be alarmed!  Over the past 15 months, I have been in the process of finishing up my Global Career Development Facilitator training.  This certificate basically helps me brand myself as a Career Expert, or so they say.  When it comes to job searching, resumes, mock interviewing and pretty much anything that deals with trying to get a job, I am the expert and well honestly I am pretty passionate about it!  Finding a job is extremely hard, tiresome and  time consuming.  So why not have someone to help you along the way!!

It is true that I possess my Bachelors of Arts in History and Sociology.  But what in world does that mean?  It means that it is pretty much useless.  Tell that to the 18 year old, me, who knew it all back then and wanted to do something they loved, never considering what I would actually do with that in the future!  I never had a straight path, I played with the idea of being a lawyer but really never vested in it.  I never once in my whole life took a Career Assessment so I really didn't know what I was good at.  In the past 15 months though I got to do true career advising on myself!  It has been a real eye opener!  I feel like the first time in my LIFE I actually know what I want to do when I grow up!  HA HA!    I LOVE the work that I do, I LOVE helping people better themselves.  I LOVE it when someone tells me that they finally found the job they wanted. 

So over the past few months I actually set goals for myself based on my results!  About 3 months ago, I made the decision that while I love the actual work that I do wanted something a little different.  I decided  I REALLY wanted to work in the Post Secondary field.  So what did I do?   I started aggressively looking for Post Secondary work in Workforce Development or Career Development.   I applied a lot of places and finally got a call back from National College and after the interview process I am now the Career Center Director!  (Big title right?)  I am so excited! 

This change though is incredibly bittersweet because I leave behind a host of co-workers that have become my second family who I have shared my thoughts, dreams and so much more with.  They have been there for me through the good times and the bad!  I will always look back at each of them with affection!  I had to reinvent myself to be successful at this job.  I went from the shy girl who didn't like public speaking to the lady who would rather speak in front of people than anything!  And for that I will always be grateful!

The point of all this is it's ok not to have a clear, cut goal in mind because sometimes God puts where he needs you not where we want to be sometimes!    

Cleaning Clutter

I am so happy that the sun is shining and spring has FINALLY sprung.  I know when I think about spring, I focus on the renewing of life and how after the harsh winter everything becomes new again.  So hopefully after our harsh winter, our lives can be renewed too!  
Along with spring though comes the thoughts of "Spring cleaning."  Oh how I hate it.  We have this rule in our home that when you get something new we have to get rid of something old. However; the drawers are full of papers, bills and notes and of course toy boxes overflow.  Needless to say I hate clutter! It takes away from productivity and creates more stress.  Yet every year we are always "spring cleaning." Clutter spills over in all aspects of life our mental, physical and spiritual lives.  I know for myself the winter months brought sadness and depression.  I have cluttered my brain with whys, guilt's and regrets.  Physically  words can not be used because you can  see how much "clutter" is there!!  And well spiritually  I believe that our mental and spiritual clutter go hand in hand.  So...I am challenging  myself  to clean up my clutter in my life.  It just takes up space and leaves less room for the important stuff like God and what makes me happy.  If your reading this I challenge you to do the same and maybe we won't have so much clutter to clean up next spring.
Now its time to start cleaning my clutter!  I HOPE you have a wonderful and blessed day.  Peace be with you!     

100 Reasons to be Thankful

My church as a group has been reading The Story by Max Lucado.  It is this awesome book that has been our guide for the preachers sermons and I highly recommend it.  It's an easy read and helps the stories from the Bible come to life.  Last Sunday, we got to the story of the Israelite's wandering in the desert.  My wonderful friend/preacher done a wonderful job teaching about the complaining and whining that went on in the desert but yet God provided for them every step of the way.  It felt like he was preaching right at me.  I never felt so ashamed of myself.  I had a hard week because I am putting time constraints on myself and more importantly God.  I have been feeling like I should already be pregnant by now and if I don't get pregnant ASAP then my "window" of fertility will be closed.  Yet I KNOW that all things are possible through God and I have to remind myself sometimes hourly that our time and understanding is far less than God's.   God will provide for all my needs and wants.  So instead of worrying about when will it happen, I need to re-examine what he has already provided for me.  Shane, my preacher, challenged us to sit down and actually write 100 things that we are thankful for.  I won't put them all but the ones that are the most important:

1.  I am thankful for a God that loves ME.  He has provided me more than I ever deserve.  A God that sent his ONLY son to save us, so we get to spend eternity  with him.  I am thankful he also does things just for me like wipes my tears and mends my broken heart.  He is there to hold my hand during the storms of life. 

2.  God answered my prayer and sent me a husband that loves me unconditionally, at my worse, in sickness and in health, richer or poorer.  

3.  I prayed for a child and God sent me an angel straight from heaven.  My son is the joy of my life.  He makes me strive to be a better person.  He is healthy, vibrant and smart.

4.  God chose us to be parents to a real angel, Cate.  We may not be there to give her hugs and kisses now but I can not imagine all the things she gets to see and for that I am thankful. 

5.  God gave me extraordinary parents that have always been there for me and now just not me but my own family.

6.  God gave me a brother, so I won't be alone in the world.

7.  Then he gave me a sister.  A sister whose not only my sister but my best friend. 

8.  He provided me a fun, loud extended family that showed me some of the best of times.

9.  He provided me another LARGE group of in-laws that are fun and diverse.

10. He has given us friends that stood with us on the hill on that rainy day and who has been there for us through every tear.

How true is this statement?  Things could be worse.  And yes they could be... but God always provides a way and never leaves us.  Just like with the Israelite's he will be our pillar of fire at night to lead us in the direction to his promises we just have TRUST!

So What's Next?

     I have been kind of quiet recently and haven't had much to write about.  Our life is slowly but surely going back to "normal" even though our " new normal" is different kind of normal.  Cate's due date came and I wasn't near as anxious as I thought I would be.  That morning I opened up my Bible and the verse that I turned it to was Luke 8:52 "Stop wailing, she's not dead, she's just asleep" that pretty much comforted me throughout the day.  She lives in me everyday in my heart and not a day goes by that I do not think about her.  I just picture her running ahead of me, beating me at the race to get there.
     The healing will always be part of our life, it is hourly.  The healing can only come from above.  The pain will never truly go away but it has eased a little with time. The question that still remains.... what's next?  Like I have said we may have a plan but ours may be different than God's. God has a plan and we are eager to see what that plan and journey may lead us.  Being human we still have to be a player in it too.  We have gotten all the blood work back from that night and everything came back perfectly except one that was just a tad high but nothing to be alarmed over.  Everything just points to a fluke!  I see it as being part of God's plan.  I was released quickly after delivery and the OB that delivered her said we could start ASAP, so with that being said we haven't stopped trying.  Suffering with PCOS though can make what is perceived easy, a little harder.  However; when I got pregnant with Cate I lost about 20 lbs and got pregnant pretty easy but I had taken Metformin during that time too.  I am not for sure if taking meds is the route that we will seek this time. So this time I am TRYING really hard at watching what I eat and exercising.  Yes I said exercising!  I signed up to TRY to run my first 5K in June.  It's a work in progress.  But its also great stress reliever and I can tell if I skip it a couple of days then I feel myself getting into that depressed mood.  As of last week, I was up to running 3 mins straight and my son has now started running with me too.  Like I said its a work in progress!
         Ultimately though it still may not be in God's plan to have more children of our own.  Sooo we signed up to take the foster to adopt classes through the state.  The first meeting is tonight and needless to say I am a little anxious about it, but we can only try.  We keep getting the question "what will we do if they decide to take them back?'  Well I am not for sure actually, but we do know how it feels to lose a child of our own and that pain is unimaginable to someone who hasn't went through it.  But what greater joy would it be to  make a difference in someone's life and be the HOPE that child is looking for? We may not be the co-creator of that soul but what if we helped a soul find its creator when it might not ever have that opportunity?  That my friends is what gives us all HOPE!
         Wow, maybe I did have a lot to say!  Peace be with you all.

Laura Story - Blessings

Hope Now by Addison Road

Josh Wilson - Before The Morning (Official Music Video)

My Lunch Date with God and Cate

I am not going to lie the past couple of days have been unbearable.  I've felt as if I was drowning in grief.  I know that its not my time and that I have to let go but it still doesn't make it any better.  With the holidays I was easily distracted.   I knew the next couple of weeks would test my faith and HOPE.  Her due date is coming up and the friends I shared pregnancy with would soon be bringing their babies home while mine is already home in heaven.  Today was the worse though.  I could not make it through work and had to leave early but someone was urging me to go visit her gravesite.  I hadn't been there in awhile and I guess this was my hint to go.  So I stopped picked up lunch, roses,a balloon, my fleece blanket and my Bible and went and had lunch with my daughter. I wanted to go  just to feel close to her even though I know shes not there.  But I ended up having a one-sided converstation with God and pretty much cried for 2 1/2 hours (time flies when I am up there) and just when I thought I couldn't be consoled my awesome, wonderful Counselor showed me differently.  I was reading the story of Solomon asking God for wisdom and God not only blessed him with wisdom but the all the things he hadn't asked just because he didn't ask for wealth or defeating his enemies after I was finished I just laid my my Bible on the blanket and was just still staring into the heavens.  I was praying so hard and with all my hearts desire for him to lead me on HIS path.   I felt the cool wind pick up alittle and I heard the pages of the Bible blowing in the wind.  It was a beautiful, serene site.     I sat in amazement when I looked down and the wind had blown the pages to a highlighted part of my Bible:  Jeremiah 29:11   For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.  WOW!   There is no other Counselor that can give you that much HOPE. 
I guess all I needed was just to be still and know that God is who he says he is and that he always remains the same in the good and most importantly in the bad.  I need to start having more lunchdates with him and only him.  Why won't you join me and spend time with just him?

P.S. I don't do this often, actually not at all but if you don't care please send an extra prayer up for me, so that I may gain the wisdom to be able to trust in God's will and see what he sees.  Thank you with all my love and HOPE.