I Can't Go Any Further!

     For the past nine weeks the one thing I have desperately wanted was to be able to see Cate in my dreams.  I wanted to know, since she gained her angel wings, what did she look like?  In heaven was she a baby or was she a child?  What color of hair does she have?  What color are her eyes?  I've prayed for this but it has eluded me for weeks now but I also know that God would answer my prayer in his time, so finally this morning,  I woke up at 4:20 (yes, I looked at the clock) finally remembering a vivid dream.  In my dream, I was at my Mamaw Hall's house ( mamaw died a few days before my son was born 6 years ago) and I haven't been to her house since then.   In my dream my mamaw said "do you remember me" of course I remember you, I told her, she said "I was afraid you had forgotten about me, so come over here and give me a hug."  My mamaw was little but in my dream she was standing so tall and her hair was just perfect!  My mamaw said "do you know who this is" and I said yes and just fell to my knees.  It was Cate!  She was about the size of my six year old but was smaller,with small features, she has blonde/ashy hair, with two different color eyes, one blue and one gray and she was perfect! We just kept hugging and I didn't want to let go but she pulled away and said "mommy you have to let me go, its ok but you can't go any further it's not your time".  They also had two other children with them but I didn't know them and it didn't feel like they were mine so I really don't know how to process that, I don't know if they were the children I have lost already or if they are my future children, I just don't know.  Its just a dream I know but sometimes dreams can be the best medicine.  Because today and it might just be today I feel like I don't have an elephant standing on my chest and full of my favorite word HOPE.  So for now and how hard it is going to be, I am going to TRY to let go because I can't go any further, its not my time!

  Also to all who read this Merry Christmas from my family to yours!  Hold your family tight and just enjoy the sights, sounds and smells of Christmas!  Merry Christmas!

Our HOPE and FUTURE

I have been trying sooo hard to find the words to even comprehend what went on at Sandy Hook Elementary School but there is just silence.  I keep looking at my 6 year old and his classmates and think about those precious angels.  Everyone is saying that we should put God back in schools and I agree; however; God never left, we  left him.  God is awesome and compassionate and I believe forgives  rather easy and daily, so why don't others wake up and see this?  I don't have the answer for that but have this Bible verse memorized:  Joshua 24:15  "As for ME and MY house WE will serve the Lord" and they can't and won't take that from US.    God is our HOPE and our FUTURE and without him we have neither.    I don't know a lot of things but those precious little children are in a place where evil does not exist and God was welcoming them with open arms.  Even in our wildest imagination we could not paint a better picture than that.   It makes me smile and warms my heart to know that my little Cate and all of God's heaven children were there welcoming them into everlasting happiness. We have solutions of our own on how to solve problems but our problem as already been solved long before the beginning of time, we just have to wake up and realize it! 

Always a Melody

      I am not a singer, musician or artist.  But I always have a melody or song in my head.  I found this song on www.stillbirthday.com and its just perfect!  

Selah:  I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but i'm not
Truth is i'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
i've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One who's chosen Me
To carry you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLuaGiu73jc&lr=1&feature=mhee

Give Up, Give In, Or Give it All You Got!

You only have three choices in life, give up, give in, or give it all you got.   I think the thing that really bothers me the most is well I am a control freak.  I like to control everything and if I can't.... I get pretty upset and struggle to try to gain the control back.  I try to control my own calendar and events.  A month ago, I was trying to hard to make my own plans.  I had been planning a nursery since what felt like conception.  We were planning on remodeling our home so we would have room for Cate.   I had planned what I thought was a beautiful baby shower.  BUT like Proverbs 19:21 states:  You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail.   Like many of us mother's,  Mary would have never wanted to give birth to her precious son in a stable or put him in a manager to sleep but she said yes to God's plans. While I struggle with being afraid of just giving in, I pray that God can show me how to be more like Mary and say yes to his will.  So while the holiday season is upon us and we are busy making OUR plans....my advice would be write them in pencil because our plans can and will be erased and replaced with Gods, but there is HOPE that God's will never be erased!